December 2023

This baby shower was a valuable shift in mindset for me

We did our 20 week anatomy scan and it went better then I’d planned.

For a lot of my life I’ve wanted to be a mom, it felt like a part of my future identity. When we started dealing with infertility that became part of my identity instead.

4 months feels like a significant amount of time. It feels longer to say 4 months then 16 weeks

We made it to 15 weeks! According to my silly app it says she is approximately 4 inches, 2.5 ounces and her eyes are moving from the side of her head to her face (WHAT????).

It’s really odd to me that people feel the need to “knock you back into reality” when you tell them good news. Why do people feel the need to tell you all the horrible things you are in for? I don’t get it.

I’ve spent the last 5+ years intentionally avoiding expectant couples and especially the pregnant person so to now be one of those pregnant people and be expected to just fit right in to that community feels…uncomfortable.

At first I hesitated to write that story but then I had to remember that I’m telling my perspective and my story, not trying to tell theirs. I also want to remember and change the story of people being “ahead” of me or “behind me”. That’s just not how life works.

There have been some things that have come up (emotionally) so it’s time for another blog post. Time to do some processing.

Fear of disappointment is such a big part of my life. It has been for a while. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to truly see the silver lining on everything. And now…I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.