18 weeks + Ragnar Rainier
For a lot of my life I’ve wanted to be a mom, it felt like a part of my future identity. When we started dealing with infertility that became part of my identity instead. Now, I feel a sort of cognitive dissidence about having infertility and mother as part of my identity. I’m having to work pretty hard to shift my mindset away from infertility and towards motherhood. This is kind of playing out though in things that I wouldn’t have expected. Over the weekend I had many people say things like how good of a mom I was going to be, or refer to me as ‘mama’ instead of Emma. I didn’t really mind it but it did stick out to me as odd. I don’t claim that as part of my identity yet. This morning while showering (the best place for thinking), I was mulling over why being affirmed that I’d be a good mom stuck out to me in an awkward way. The thought occurred to me that I don’t want “mom” to become my main identity. Now, maybe that will change later on. But I’m so much more then just a pregnant woman right now. I’m a business owner. I’m a wife. I’m a homeowner. I’m an athlete. I’m a friend. I’m an advocate. I’m a person whose experienced infertility. I don’t like the idea of assuming those parts of myself will go away and be replaced by mom. I’m afraid people will tell me that this mindset is naïve or that in 10 years I’ll look back with disbelief that I’d ever not want “mom” to be my main identity. I don’t think that losing yourself as pat of the process of becoming a parent is helpful in the long run to you or your child. I have plenty of friends who have maintained their identity outside of being a parent. I have also seen plenty of people who have adopted the identity of parent and forgotten the other parts of themselves. For right now, I’m figuring out how “mom” fits together with “infertility.”
So far 18 weeks is off to a good start. I am a little confused by pregnancy math though. 18 weeks is 4.5 months which is half of 9 months (so…half way right?), but 40 weeks is the typical gestation (10 months) so 20 weeks is half way…??? This doesn’t make sense to me. Either way 4.5 months feels like a long time. Lots of people are asking if I’m starting to feel any kicks yet. The answer is…maybe? I’ve started to notice what feels like little gas bubbles but some people have said that could be kicks. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new provider and maybe she will offer some insight into this. I still feel really good overall. No sickness, no cravings, no aversions. Thanks to the help of a friend who is Registered Dietician I’ve been sleeping better (not so many night time potty runs), and headaches are really not a problem anymore. Overall, I feel normal but with a little baby bump.
We are also getting a lot of questions from people about if we are decorating a nursery. The answer is no. Not yet. Probably not until she gets here. We don’t have the luxury of blissful ignorance about pregnancy. I have too many friends who decorated a nursery and then lost their baby. The thought of having to paint over the nursery is pretty emotionally devastating to me. We have lots of time to figure out a nursery situation later on.
We’ve gotten questions about favorite colors and/or themes for her. The reality is that the only thing I’m adamant on is that I don’t stereotype her into “girl” colors or themes. I think her theme will be animals (because I love animals), but not any one animal in particular. For colors, of course we’ll have pink but we’ll also have green and blue! I know that’s an irritating stance to have….but oh well. I hope that people get her things that they absolutely love and she will then be surrounded by people’s outpouring of love instead of confined to what I think is cute.
This last weekend I got to participate in the 2023 Ragnar Rainier Trail race. I SWAT (Sweaty Wet And Tired) volunteered in the recovery zone. I was immensely thankful to the race director for accommodating my request for that spot. I’d done that job at the last race I SWATTED and know I could do it being 4.5 months pregnant. It was a little surreal to be there because the last race I was at (Kentucky) was only 5 days after we’d done transfer back in May. Back then I’d been having to do Progesterone shots and suppository’s every day. We didn’t know if the transfer had been successful and going to that race was intentionally a distraction from worrying about it. I had a great weekend full of making new friends, watching my current friends conquer the mountain and all the while getting a much needed break from the realities of life. I loved hanging out at the campsite with the “girls”. Whenever this group gets together inevitably our sex lives come up, and this last weekend was no exception. It’s so rare to find a group of people willing to be vulnerable, offer consolation, support and friendship. I value that tribe!
For the upcoming week the big tasks are to get caught up from the weekend and start working on a baby registery. It’s a little overwhelming to think about all the work that goes into a registry. BUT the people are demanding one…so here we go.
