Honest Feelings - 36 weeks

Current cravings include anything with ice in it. I’ve been having my special non alcoholic boondock juice (any type of juices from the fridge mixed together over crushed ice. Yesterday was cranberry, pineapple and spiced apple cider).

I love the holidays. For years I envisioned being exactly where I was this year over the holidays, pregnant. The only thing missing was the snow. We’ve had a very unusually warm December. There was a dusting of snow on 12/26 but that was about it.

December has been a month of finally looking pregnant and starting to feel really pregnant. Between a snoring husband, a kicking dog and baby and hormones my sleeping has started to be more hit and miss. I’ve managed to not do any middle of the night shopping (however things have ended up in my amazon shopping cart that I then buy at a time I’m more awake and aware of my decisions). I’ve learned a technique to turn myself over in the middle of the night using my feet to help instead of my hips. We had our final 2 baby showers (one from Kiwanis and one from the woman RVP’s in WA state). We have been so immensely and overwhelmingly showered by all the people in our lives, we feel incredibly grateful. I’ve even been pretty on top of writing thank you cards!

Because of Drew’s snoring and my poor sleep, he’s offered to sleep in the nursery if it’s bothering me too much. We set up an air mattress arrangement and if in the middle of the night I’m having to hit him too much he can just go finish the night in the other room. Yesterday evening, we were in the nursery, him in the rocker and me on the air mattress, just talking about what still needed to be purchased and/or prepared before baby day. As I looked around at the crib, dresser, bow holder, closet full of clothes and diapers, baskets full of blankets and toys ready to be played with I said “I think we’re as ready as we can be” to which he replied “and for everything else there’s Mastercard”. God he makes me laugh.

We’ve been really debating back and forth what hospital to deliver at. Our provider (CHAS) only delivers at Deaconess but we’ve been so underwhelmed by our care experience with CHAS we have been considering Sacred Heart as well. Long story short, we did a tour of Deaconess (the only hospital in Spokane that will let you do an in person tour) and really loved it! We liked the attached parking garage, the locked entrance, the labor/delivery rooms, the staff and the policies in place for eating and unrestricted movement. The plan is to go to Deaconess.

The biggest issue I’ve been wrestling with over this last month has been feeling obligatory pressure to “share” her when she gets here. So many people have helped us get here (my family financially supporting our IVF journey, lots of baby showers, lots of emotional support over the last 8 years), I don’t want to be rude or people to think I’m ungrateful by not sharing her immediately when she arrives.

Some of the pressure comes from a societal pressure to include grandparents immediately. I’ve heard stories my whole life about grandparents that were in the delivery room and then stayed with the new parents for weeks. I’ve seen it in movies. I’ve heard the stories even from my own family of grandparents coming to stay and then baby not coming before grandparents had to return home. All of that has set an uncomfortable expectation in my mind that I’m supposed to share her with the grandparents immediately.

It took me all this month of wrestling through this issue to realize I don’t want to share her immediately. I can’t believe how long it took to put into words that I have waited for a LONG time to have this baby in my arms and I want time with her first. I want to get to know her a little. I want to start to transition my mind from sad infertile woman to mama. I want to put a little cushion of space around our new little family to start to figure out who we are as a unit before I invite other people into that space. While I know inviting others brings lots of love, support and joy; it also invites their judgement, their advice and their opinions. The later three I’m not ready for yet.

Why do I feel so uncomfortable about telling people (mainly the grandparents) all that? Good question. I don’t fully know. Some of it is that I don’t want to look ungrateful for everything the grandparents have done for us. Some of it is I don’t want to offend anyone. I also don’t want one set of grandparents to feel like the other set is being given preferential treatment. Some of it is definitely I don’t know what I will need yet (remember we’ve never done this before), and I’m nervous about having people in my house and feeling like I need to be the hostess (because that’s how I always feel) and it ending up being more pressure then support. I don’t want to end up in a situation where what I really want is people to just leave but feel I can’t say that without being rude. I think I’m trying to protect myself from being in that position.

I also have some anxiety about the fact that I know neither set of grandparents (or anyone else in my life for that matter) wants to feel like they are adding stress to the situation. I truly have the BEST and most supportive people in my life. So even suggesting that they might be adding an unintentional stress feels uncomfortable because I know they will feel uncomfortable about it. Aiyiyiyiyi. Relationships are messy.

I debated whether to even write about this topic but the reality is that I’ve committed to myself (for some weird reason) to be open and vulnerable about the struggles of this season of life. And this has been a big struggle.

The last thing to address is the question I keep getting about “are you ready to be done being pregnant”? Yes and No. The yes part is, I’m looking forward to having her here and starting the next step of our life. The no part is that I don’t want to start off parenting by reaching for the next step instead of focusing on right now. I want to be present. I want to be grateful for right now and not be constantly pushing for the future to come more quickly (that seems like a sure fire way to look back and wonder where the time went). I’m grateful for every kick in the ribs and punch to my bladder because it’s right now. I’m loving this season of life.

Happy new year!