7 Week Ultrasound
Fear of disappointment is such a big part of my life. It has been for a while. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to truly see the silver lining on everything. And now…I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t think this feeling is unique to me and my experiences. I would like to work on this though. It keeps me from experiencing joy in the moment. It robs me of being able to be happy and excited. It makes me guard my heart so I don’t get as hurt when the news hits. My brain is so good at protecting me from experiencing hurt again that it keeps me from experiencing happiness and joy as well. I wish there were like a switch you could turn to override that part of your brain. I legit need to be in counseling. Like for real. But it’s expensive and impossible to get in to anyone. So instead I write out my feelings and try to have a space where I let anything and everything come out. I don’t hold back. Sometimes that helps me feel less dead inside.
Today we had our 7 week ultrasound. I was pretty nervous about it. I had convinced myself that they weren’t going to find a heartbeat, or no baby, or something horrible. I didn’t even let myself consider that everything might be normal and healthy. Of course on the way to the appointment I picked a fight with Drew. Because that’s what you do when you’re stressed and hormonal (I can claim being hormonal even if I don’t actually feel emotional right??). One of the things that had me worried is that I don’t feel pregnant. Like…I’m not overly emotional, my breasts aren’t tender anymore (they were at the beginning of all the shots and drugs), I’m not nauseated. The only two symptoms I have is some mild food aversions and being a bit more tired then usual. But nothing really noticeable.
Turns out little baby Woolley is healthy and good! There’s a heart beat around 132 bpm and she’s measuring at 7 weeks (which is right on track). It was all so easy and simple that it felt…not real. Like I was observing someone elses life.
I remember feeling this way when we got married. I’d been wanting to get married for so long. In the family and religion I’d grown up in, marriage had been held up as this magical thing that was the highest and purest thing a woman should aspire to. So when I actually got married I had a hard time connecting it to my life. I guess in a way I felt unworthy of having achieved that high privilage. (I’ve since changed a lot of my views on this but that was my experience at the time).
After the tech left the room I asked Drew how he felt and he said it was finally sinking in and he was feeling overwhelmed and scared. I felt nothing. He asked how I felt and I told him I was happy it was all good news but having a hard time being present and in the moment and not just waiting for the bad news.
We decided to get cinnabon to celebrate and then they weren’t open yet. Oh well. Maybe we’ll celebrate tomorrow.
Apparently those are pictures of a gestational sac with baby girl in it!
