They are “ahead” of me

Part of the reason that I write is to document the journey. I’m so glad I started this a long time ago so that I can look back and remember how I felt at different times on this path. The journey is the destination right?

One of the things that I’m struggling with right now is that I don’t want anyone to be hurt by what I say or write. My daily experiences are bringing up new feelings and emotions that I’m working through and they aren’t caused by anyone’s actions. It’s more like…I have new realizations while in the moment that need processing. Let me give an example. This morning I went on a run with a few friends. Because of little baby Woolley I’m definitely running slower then normal for me. My heart rate is super high and I’m walking a lot more often to keep it lower. One of the girls was in a bit of a time crunch so I kept telling them it was ok to go ahead and leave me. Well, in the female running community that’s kind of frowned on (for safety reasons). So they didn’t want to leave me. Well at one point, two of the girls ran ahead and one stayed behind with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have been feeling like my peers are ahead of me in life for a long time. Even that sentence is stupid. They aren’t “ahead” of me. They are just in a different phase of life. But for so long I have told myself a story that they are “ahead” of me. I’m not sure where that idea comes from. Maybe it’s movies and marketing that show, graduating college, getting married and then having a family. It felt like for so long I hadn’t reached the third and final stage of that view of life and family. Now…we’re starting that phase but most of the people I know are getting to the other side of that phase. The story is telling me that I’ve been left behind.

I had a sudden shock of fear of losing the community that I’ve built because now I’m in a different phase. Some of my community are childless by choice, some have teenagers and some have full grown adult children. The newborn stage (from what I’m told) sucks for friendship. After that initial shock, I was able to process it a little bit and realize that the fear and the negative emotions are all part of a story that isn’t mine. It’s like there’s this shadow part of me that finds all the worst possible things that could happen and makes me freak about them happening to me when in reality…that story doesn’t ring true.

At first I hesitated to write that story but then I had to remember that I’m telling my perspective and my story, not trying to tell theirs. I also want to remember and change the story of people being “ahead” of me or “behind me”. That’s just not how life works.