Uncomfortable
I was reading a book that suggested doing pre natal yoga and my first thought was “absolutely not!”. It took me awhile to process why did that bother me so much? After a lot of thinking and talking it through with some trusted friends, I think I’ve nailed down at least part of it. I’ve spent the last 5+ years intentionally avoiding expectant couples and especially the pregnant person so to now be one of those pregnant people and be expected to just fit right in to that community feels…uncomfortable.
I’m now lumped in with the group that “did IVF and it worked!”. It’s not a bad thing. A new fear is popping up for me though. The fear of forgetting what it felt like to not know, to not be guaranteed the happy ending. For so long childless not by choice was part of my identity, now that identity is being challenged. While that’s a good thing, it’s also requiring some mindset adjusting. Anyone who has ever had to adjust their mindset knows, it’s a little uncomfortable. I became comfortable with childless not by choice, I knew how people were going to react. I knew how I was going to react. I was comfortable in my sadness. Now I’m uncomfortable because this is new. Change is hard. I’m excited and happy about it, but the title of mother doesn’t feel like it fits me yet. It’s uncomfortable to not fit in.
I’m still really uncomfortable around pregnant woman (especially if they brag they weren’t even trying). I’m still irritated by pregnancy announcements on social media (I know what it felt like to see those, and 1 in 8 couples are battling infertility which means there are GUARENTEED people seeing that who are triggered). I don’t think that stuff will ever go away. It’s one of the reasons I’m uncomfortable with pre natal yoga and other pre natal activities. If you got pregnant easy, you don’t understand my story and are far more likely to say and do insensitive things (unintentionally I’m sure). I wish there were all those types of activities specifically marketed towards people who had trouble getting or staying pregnant. I probably just need to put myself out there and I will find the groups that I’m meant to find…I just don’t want to. Who wants to do hard things??? Not me right now. Maybe after a nap.
