11/30/23

I accidentally read a post from someone today on facebook who said she lost a baby at 37 weeks. That scared me a little. I’ll be 32 weeks on Sunday. I immediately felt the need to just push that possibility right out of my mind. Shove the feeling of fear right back down where it came from. My physical reaction is to scroll past the post and pretend I didn’t see it, telling myself that I don’t want to dwell on that possibility.

The reality of the situation though is it’s a lot healthier for me to sit in that fear and let myself just be with it. Understanding that it’s a possibility, it’s not likely, but it’s a possibility.

It’s been really easy to start getting impatient for when she will actually get here. The thought of losing her actually helps bring me back to the present and be thankful for every moment right now. Every kick, every roll, every punch. I swear I’ve heard someone say before in a book or something that acknowledging our mortality helps us live more fulfilled and present lives.

Death sucks. Losing out on a future with someone you thought you had more time with really sucks. I’m going to a Ceremony of Remembrance on Saturday where Mary Anne is speaking and I’m sure I’m going to come away with lots of nuggets of wisdom about this topic.