IVF - STIM day 1
“The feeling of failure comes from the notion that you have control of this” Esther Perel
Realizing that I have no control of this process gives me the feelings of relief and frustration at the same time. Relief because it means it’s not my fault if this process has a negative result. Frustration because part of me wants to have control. Only part though, part of me doesn’t want control…because then I can fail. Without the ability to control then I can’t be blamed (by myself) for the outcome.
Stim day 1 went probably as most people can imagine something would go when emotions are running hot and THOUSANDS of dollars are on the line. It of course, started with some marital tension (duh). Once we smoothed that out, it was ok. Neither of us has any experience with injections so we watched the videos the doctors office sent us a few times and then went for it. The first one (Gonal F) was a 1 out of 10 on the pain scale. The second one Menopur was a bit more complex to mix (yes we are having to MIX our own drugs! WHAT?!?!?) and was probably a 3 out of 10 on the pain scale. Meaning…it could have been a lot worse but was 3 times worse then the first one. I’m kind of glad we did the easy one first.
One of the things that I’m trying to do during this process is tell people my needs. That’s a lot harder then it sounds. First you have to figure out what your need is and how someone can meet it and then present it to them to either agree or disagree too. A few weeks ago it occurred to me that it would be really nice to have something to look forward to after each days shots. Drew took on the challenge and collected little STIM day gifts from some of my support crew. It was truly lovely to get to open a gift after shots and just accept what was put together for me with love.
I want to spend a little time writing each day to also help me process the feelings. I know there are feelings. But I’m really good at hiding them even from myself. I have an amazing ability to just focus on what needs to be done and not how I feel about something. The skill of blocking out emotions is great for crisis situations. Come to think of it, maybe it really is something from caveman era times. I want to let the emotions in right now though. It’s ok brain. We are safe. We can allow ourselves to feel.
I feel…a lot. The first word that came to mind is scared, however I don’t know if I feel scared or I think I should feel scared. I feel nervous about the unknown. What if we get a bad result? What if we get a good result? Am I going to turn into a raging terror over the next 2 weeks? What if this process turns on more feelings of desire for motherhood that end up not being fulfilled?
STIM day 1 gift from Meagan Walker @Theveganrunner
