January 13th 5 days till stim

Yesterday was a day filled with cold feet about IVF. I was haunted by questions like “Did we choose the right Dr?” “Is this the right clinic?” “Should we really be traveling to Utah to do this? Am I just being high maintenance not wanting to use a Dr in Spokane?” “What if a different clinic is less expensive?” Lots of what if questions and doubting myself. I tried to keep reminding myself that we did lots of research and made the best decision we could with the information we had and that moving in any direction is better then analysis paralysis.

I tried to evaluate if the cold feet I as feeling was just the fear of the unknown or true gut feelings. I think it was fear. This is a really scary process and there’s not really anything you can do to make it any better. I’ve done tons of research, I’m still scared. I’ve done lots of soul searching and thinking and making sure this is what I want to do, and I’m still scared. I’ve created my support tribe, and I’m still scared. There is so much unknown.

I think part of this cold feet feeling is the desire to just GET STARTED ALREADY! It feels like we’ve waited forever to do this and I have all this pent up anxiety and anticipation and the only way to get it out is to start the process. Technically it starts in 5 days with Stim day 1 on the 18th. In a way, this is a little bit of the feeling I remember as a kid leading up to christmas. Counting down the days. Lots of anticipation about the unknown. Trying to find ways to distract myself so the time goes by faster.

Off to a day of house cleaning and a few work appointments to distract myself.