Ragnar Kentucky SWAT
A few months back I got an email from Ragnar asking if I’d like to come SWAT (Sweaty Wet And Tired) volunteer at a trail race in Kentucky. I called the doctors office and grilled them about if it was a good or bad idea for me to go volunteer after transfer day. I told them I didn’t want to have to take medications with me so I’d rather do the transfer BEFORE the race. They assured me that as long as I had a few days to take it easy after the transfer I should be fine to go back to my normal life. We actually ended up planning the transfer around when I’d have to leave to SWAT. Friday for transfer, Saturday-Sunday “princess days” and then back to normal life on Monday, leave for Ragnar on Wednesday from SLC. When I told people what my plans were of course the reaction I got was hesitation. Are you sure that’s ok? If the transfer fails are you going to blame yourself because of the activity the weekend following the transfer? In order to say yes to SWATing I had to get to a place where other peoples opinions and judgements didn’t matter to me. I had to trust that I’d done the research (talked to the doctor) and felt like it was a good decision. After all, having something else to focus on and not sitting at home worrying seemed like a good way to insert the happy chemicals into my body and not cortisol.
The race was amazing! I had told the race director, John, ahead of time about our IVF journey and he offered to put my in the recovery zone which is a fairly easy job. I’m the kind of person who will always speak my truth. So when someone said something that initiated a conversation about fertility/IVF I of course brought up that we were in the middle of IVF. It ended up being a really interesting weekend. I heard lots of other people’s journey with IVF and infertility. Some racers, some other volunteers. One racer told me about his triplets and how the doctors office had followed up and asked him to lead a men’s support group where he helped guys work through the emotional component of their contribution (masturbation). Another woman told me about how she had considered doing IVF and being a single momma because she’d just gotten divorced and had wanted to be a mom but didn’t feel like she had time left to find a spouse. Another woman commiserated about her journey with infertility 40 years ago and how different the medical world was back then. I was a little surprised to hear the positivity that people had to share. In the past when I’ve talked about infertility to strangers I often got some patronizing responses that left me feeling like I wished I hadn’t shared. I don’t know what it was about the race that made me feel encouraged, but I did.
Every morning I had to give myself shots in the rump. There’s not a lot of privacy so I ended up doing them behind the HQ tent in the staff tent. I’d grab some ice in a baggie and ice my bum for a few minutes before stabbey stab. This is one of the things I’m actually really proud of myself for. I didn’t let IVF stop me from doing something amazing. I figured out a way to do both. I was nervous at first about doing the shots myself but I’d heard stories of others who did the shots themselves and so I knew it was possible. The first day after the shot I felt so empowered. I couldn’t believe I’d actually done that!
I guess the purpose of this post is to be a reminder to me in the future that I stopped letting infertility define my life. It’s no longer the first filter I use to decide whether I can commit to something or not. I was nervous about committing to this race but I’m so glad I did! I felt great and I was thankful for the distraction while waiting the 10 days between transfer and a blood test to see if it had worked.
