Look Both Ways
The term analysis paralysis has described me quite well in life. I have a HUGE fear of missing out on the ‘right decision’. Should I go to this event or that one? Should I get this entrée or that one? Should I go on that trip or this one? That excursion or this one? Which one will be more fun? Which one will make the money I’m spending more ‘worth it’? Which one has more value? I feel like I’m always analyzing my decisions and second guessing myself.
I’ve gotten better in recent years at making the best decision I can at the time and letting the rest go. But there’s always the ‘what if’ in the background. What if I’d made a different choice? What if I’d done something different for college? What if I’d have not gone to Africa (that’s a whole story right there!)? What if I’d married someone else? What if I had done something different that led to me being in a ‘better’ place today? Am I the only one who has those wonderings?
I think part of this is perpetuated by Hollywood. There are so many stories about accidental meetings of soul mates, bumping into someone in a coffee line who ends up introducing you to the person who makes your career, or the ever popular vacation that turns into a lifelong adventure. The story line always seems so unintentional, accidental even. It actually really worried me growing up that I would miss that accidental meeting and end up unhappy with my life. I learned to be afraid of missing out. I learned that happiness was an accident even.
Like I said though, I think I’ve gotten past this mindset a bit in the last few years. Accidents do happen, you do meet people in the most innocent of ways. But I don’t think you can miss out on your future. It might take a different path then you’d envisioned, you might have different challenges depending on which road you take, but in the end I think you always find your destiny. I know this sounds corny but this is really stuff I’ve wrestled with.
I pictured my life as a mom. I pictured my future with babies on my hips, saggy boobs, and awesome stretch marks. I pictured dropping kids off at school, complaining about their ruining my walls, carpets and car. I thought I’d spend hours teaching them how to bake, wrap a gift and say their sorry. That’s what I believed in my heart would happen. It’s been really tough to accept that that’s not my life right now. And what’s interesting is that it’s been hard for OTHER people to accept that it isn’t my life right now too. What do I mean by that? Well, when I tell someone that this is how I’m feeling they have a cheery response like ‘don’t give up! It’ll happen for you! I knew someone one time….' etc etc etc. It’s hard for people to accept that I’m trying to accept my life right now.
So where is all of this coming from? Well, I just watched an awesome movie called Look Both Ways with Lili Reinhart. It’s two stories woven into one that follows a woman whose life could have gone in two different directions. It’s masterfully directed to show that one isn’t better then the other, there are just different ways to in the end find happiness and love. It made me stop and think about my own life. I’ve analyzed so many decisions and wondered ‘would I be happier if I’d done X differently?’ And in the end the answer is no. There are challenges no matter what decision you make. A single decision doesn’t make you happy or unhappy. It’s simply a decision.
If you have the chance I highly recommend Look Both Ways. I’m curious what insights people will have into their own lives from this film.
