“I can’t even imagine”

I have a friend whose husband committed suicide. One of the phrases she told me was oddly hurtful was when people would say “I can’t even imagine.” Honestly, I don’t remember why she said it was hurtful, I just remember thinking I needed to be careful to avoid that phrase for people in grief.

Yesterday I went on a run with a friend. We don’t actually know each other that well but she’d reached out asking if I’d like to go with her sometime and honestly, I’ll go with anyone whose willing to go slow for me in my post partum state. As we were running she was sharing about what’s been happening in her life and I had to bite back the phrase “I can’t even imagine”. I probably said it at least once and then caught myself when I wanted to say it over and over and she told me all of the blows life had dealt her (and believe me they are doozies!).

When I got home, I took the dog out on a walk and started to process what she had shared and I had a realization. When I was saying (mostly in my head) “I can’t even imagine”, what I meant was “I don’t want to imagine.” Because the second I started to let myself imagine how it would feel to be going through even a fraction of what she told me I burst into tears. I felt panicky inside. I wanted to simultaneously scream and also sob in the fetal position. I felt hot and cold at the same time. My subconscious knew that if I tried to imagine her pain anymore, I’d truly break down so it came up with the phrase “I can’t even imagine” because it didn’t want to imagine anymore.

It was really powerful to me to let myself imagine for a second that I was in her shoes. It felt horrible. It felt raw. It felt ugly. I immediately wanted out of her shoes. I wanted to comfort her and make her feel better. I wanted her to be ok. But the reality is she’s not ok and nothing I say or do will fix/change that. It’s not my job to fix it. It’s my job as a fellow human on the journey of life, to give her space. To welcome her grief and give it a seat. And let me tell you…that sucks. It’s super uncomfortable to watch someone in despair and know you can’t offer any solutions.

I also think it’s normal to want to help people get out of pain. A well adjusted person is a compassionate person. We don’t like seeing people in pain (this is why I can’t watch horror movies and always fast forward through any type of torture scenes). It’s normal for us to want to help and offer solutions to alleviate pain.

Grief is so bonding. While everyone’s experience might be different, the feelings are the same. While I will never say I’m thankful for infertility, going through that sure made me a better friend. I can sit with someone in their grief now. I would never say I like doing it, but I like that I have the ability to do it. I’m grateful for the experiences that I’ve had and I hope that I can be a good friend and advocate for those who are grieving.