Funerals and Grief
I went to a funeral yesterday for a friends husband who died very unexpectedly. It was an odd experience. Everyone around me was crying and sad and I couldn’t quite get there. I wanted to be sad but I wasn’t. I felt nothing. It made me wonder if I’ve locked my emotions away somewhere and can’t access them right now. I wonder if I’m trying to protect myself from IVF not working. Subconsciousness’ can be tricky that way.
Going to the funeral did bring up a lot of other feelings though. I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I tend to judge how sad someone is by how much they are doing the things I would do if I was sad and grieving. For example, I expect tears. I expect someone to barely be able to pull themselves together. I expect some anger at the universe. I expect the 5 stages of grief to happen all right in front of me. And when I don’t see those things I wonder if that person is actually sad. I judge their grief with my own set of rules which is a completely unfair thing to do! Yesterday I had to check myself. I had to remind myself that my grief looks different then anyone elses and just because they are doing it different then me doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.
That is a lesson that almost wrecked our marriage while battling infertility. Drew and I don’t grieve in the same way. I open up to people about it. I have deep long conversations. I go on long trail runs with my closest friends and spill my heart out. I blog about it. I cry about it. I pick a fight or two about it. Eventually all the feelings are processed and I move on. Drew clams up. He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t look any different. I read that as “He doesn’t care”. But he does. He just doesn’t process it out loud. Believe me, I have lots of opinions about that. BUT WE AREN’T THE SAME PERSON! Who am I to tell him how to process his own feelings? Just because it’s different from me doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Different isn’t bad.
Watching other people grieve is hard. I want to be there for them and care about them. But I also worry about them. Are they processing or ignoring this? Are they actually ok like they say or just being strong for their kids? Do they need help or is that condescending? At the end of the day, it’s their life not mine. I will be a good friend. I will offer my support and follow the lessons about grief I’ve learned.
1) Never ask how are you doing. Ask how are you doing today or how’s your grief today?
2) Don’t be afraid to bring up the loved one whose passed. Ask for favorite memories or stories about that person.
3) NEVER say “they are in a better place” or “God has a reason for everything”. Don’t try to give purpose to the passing.
4) Text them when you think of them just to say hi
