The Do’s and Don’ts

You heard someone is having a hard time getting or staying pregnant. What should you say and what should you avoid?

We as humans want to make everything around us ‘ok’. We want everyone to be happy and healthy and safe. When we hear someone isn’t happy or healthy we get panicked. Or at least that what I think happens based on the looks on peoples faces when I tell them we can’t have a baby and the often hurtful things that spill out of their mouths as they babble some nonsense about ‘God has a plan’ or ‘have you tried…?’ or ‘I had a cousin/sister/friend/in-law who had that’. I can only assume people get super uncomfortable because it’s easier to comfort then recognize that it’s ok to be sad.

So…what should you say? What should you not say? I don’t know the perfect answer for every circumstance but I can tell you what is helpful and hurtful to me. I’d also guess that there are some generally accepted do’s and don’ts and then you should ask your loved one what is specifically helpful/hurtful to them.

First, what’s not helpful.

1) Advice. The number one thing people say to me is ‘have you tried…(insert something here)’. Here’s the thing. You’re like the 100th person to tell me to try something. After 6 years of unsuccessfully trying things…we’ve tried like all the things. What I hear when you say ‘have you tried…’ is ‘if you tried harder maybe you’d be able to conceive’. Wowza the shame that brings. I start to compile a list in my head of all the things we’ve tried. More then likely what you’re suggesting is something we’ve already tried. But in the rare case that it’s something new, my brain goes ‘ya you should try that!’ and I either have to make the choice to spend time, energy and money on something new (when I already feel totally drained) OR feel like a total failure for not being willing to try your advice (no matter how crazy it is). It’s really a no win situation for me when all you were trying to do was help me. Better to just avoid advice. Or, if your advice is just too good and you think it through and it really seems to be the one thing that might work, I’d suggest asking first if your friend is wanting advice or a listening and grieving ear.

2) Telling me about someone you know who ‘had that’. Now, if you’re relating your personal journey with infertility that’s fine. If you’re trying to relate by telling me about someone you heard about one time who also dealt with the same thing tried some magical cure and ended up with a baby, that’s not helpful. Why? Because you tell your friend/cousin/whoevers story, and I think ‘that’s not even close to my story/journey.’ I think people do this because they don’t know what else to say. They don’t know how to be ok with someone else being sad. Sometimes though, it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be sad or even mad. I don’t want to be cheered up, I want a baby. Can you give me a baby? No? Then shut up and just be sad with me. Let your heart hurt with mine. Let our souls just grieve a bit together. That’s ok. IF however you have your own story of grief to share, please do.

3) Saying nothing. Infertility is the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever talked about or shared. Most people (men and women) who experience loss, infertility, surrogacy or non traditional ways to start a family have lots of shame, anger and fear built up inside them about this topic. When I share my story with you (even if it’s just a tiny bit), it feels like I’m taking off my clothes in public and standing inspection, waiting to be chastised for something I can’t change. Want to know why people don’t share their stories of grief more? Because in the past when they have worked up the courage to say something, people have been so hurtful in response that it’s easier to grieve in silence then to share openly. Let me share some things that people WHO I LOVE AND WHO LOVE ME have said to me when I’ve shared my grief:

“What you’re going through isn’t that hard, _______ friend’s husband is dying, now that’s hard!” (my ‘hard’ may look different then someone else’s ‘hard’ but it’s still ‘hard’, we don’t need to compare here. Pain is pain, it looks different for different people but it’s still pain)

“God has a plan” (seriously guys this isn’t helpful, you’re telling me that when I was born God said ‘I’m gonna make something wrong with her reproductive system so that she cries every 28 days, feels like a failure, can’t attend bridal showers or baby showers without feeling like a total loser. That' was God’s plan? No. I don’t think so. I think saying God has a plan is a serious cop out. It’s the very churchy easy answer. It’s easier to say that then truly connect and share in sadness with me)

“Maybe there’s a reason your not conceiving, like you need to work on your marriage”

“All will be forgiven when you have a baby”

“There are other ways to start a family, have you considered adopting?” (you understand that adoption doesn’t change infertility right…just because I adopt doesn’t mean I’m magically fine with being infertile")

These are just some of the things people have said to me. I go to a support group and the stories those ladies share about what their friends and loved ones have said to them are just awful. It’s really not surprising to me that the men and women who experience loss don’t speak up about it more. I have been hurt by the universe, life has dealt me a rough hand already, don’t make it harder by accidentally being insensitive.

So what should you say and do?

1) Crack your heart open and feel the grief and pain I’m sharing. Let yourself be ok being sad with me.

2) Say something. If you don’t know what to say it’s ok to say “I don’t know what to say, but my heart is hurting for you.”

3) Ask if there’s anything else I want to share. Sometimes I tell just a tiny bit to test the waters and see how people are going to react. 99% of the time I get a negative response and retreat back into my little shell of sadness. If someone said to me “oh man, that’s really hard, you don’t need to but is there any more of your story you want to share?” I’d love to share.

4) Share your story of grief. That might be infertility or the loss of a child. It might be struggling with addiction, a divorce, or job loss that shook your identity. We don’t need to have the same story of grief in order to grieve together. I told someone my story one time and she shared with me that her son had struggled with addiction as a teenager and her panic every day thinking her son was dead and would drive around trying to find him, every single night for years. I told someone else my story and they shared their story of struggle with another type of addiction that has ruled their world and caused massive amounts of pain and trauma. In both these situations, we just cried together and grieved together. We didn’t try to fix each other or give advice, we just all recognized that life is hard. Life is full of pain that can’t be fixed and it’s better to have someone to share that with then go at it alone.

-What to say/do if you are pregnant and have friends and loved ones who are experiencing infertility and/or loss-

1) If you know someone who is struggling, before you make a pregnancy announcement or a birth announcement on social media, send them a personal text or give them a call and let them know. I had a friend do this and it was amazing how much different I felt when I saw the announcement on facebook. WITHOUT that headsup, I’m just a content naive person scrolling on the good old compare-your-life-to-everyone-book (er…I mean facebook), when I see an announcement a literal jolt of anger, disappointment and irritation race through me and I have to calm myself down. Sometimes that happens every few seconds because of all the announcements. When I saw my friends announcement, I felt joy for her. She had cared about my pain enough to not let me get jolted through social media. I got to deal with it in my own way on my own time.

2) Don’t be offended if your struggling friends choose to step away from your friendship for a bit. It’s very hard to be around people who are living the life I should also have. Choosing to limit my time around triggering people is my way of emotionally protecting myself. It’s not personal, you didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m happy for you, but I can’t be around you for a bit. There are plenty of people who will be joyous with you, I can’t be one of them and that’s ok.

I feel like I could write forever on this topic, but no one wants to hear/read about all that! So I’ll just say I think the main thing is to mentally acknowledge you feel weird, don’t try to comfort or fix, and just be present for that person.