It’s the most ?! time of the year
When I was younger I loved Christmas (I still do actually), but the meaning of the ‘holiday season’ has changed a lot for me as another year rolls around without being able to put up a ‘baby’s first Christmas’ ornament, or buy the cute fluffy ‘mama bear, papa bear and baby bear’ slippers I see everywhere.
This year I felt equally excited to put up my tree and also a bit of sadness that another season is going by without being able to celebrate the way I envisioned. I almost wrote ‘the way I want’. But the reality is I want to be happy and having a baby isn’t the only way to be happy. I guess I could go deeper and say that putting all your hopes on one event (graduating, getting pregnant, having a healthy baby etc) is a sure way to be disappointed.
Last weekend I was walking through one of those super decked out holiday stores where you can get every kind of Christmas decor imaginable. There were tons of families picking out their Christmas tree, getting special ornaments and enjoying being together. None of that triggered me. I was fine with the pregnant ladies, the tiny babies being cuddled and the toddlers who were entranced by the magic of it all. What triggered me was a harmless sign that said “It’s not what’s under the tree that counts, it’s who’s gathered around it.” I’m trying to unpack why that was triggering to me.
I think part of it is me being sad I don’t have kids gathered around the tree with me. Part of it is I know, for many people the holidays are sad because they are reminded (BY STUPID SIGNS LIKE THIS ONE!) of the friends and family members they have lost. Another part is being very irritated with society for accepting signs like that and not having an option for anything else. I mean, aren’t most people triggered by that sign? Don’t most people have at least one person they are missing because they are in a different location or have passed on or never existed to begin with (like me with infertility)?
People are often surprised when I tell them that I feel overlooked in society for being a married women without children. I’m guessing they have never been in the position to see all of the things in our culture that remind women that in order to be complete you need to be married with kids (I could go on and on with this topic for hours…but I’ll save it for another time).
Anyway, this is a long roundabout way of saying I went and got Santa pictures with my dog. And, in full disclosure….I felt very…awkward. Drew (hubby) kept telling me to embrace the dog mom mentality. But…while I love my dog, every time I say ‘dog mom’ it reminds me that I’m not a kid mom. Anyway, we went with my nieces and nephews and did Santa pictures specifically at a place where you can bring dogs. We did a picture with us and Xion, then pictures of all the nieces and nephew and Xion with Santa. You know that gut feeling you have and for whatever reason you push it aside? Well I kept thinking ‘gosh I’d really like to have a pic of Xion with just Santa’. EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF PICKING THIS SANTA, I felt super weird. I got all up in my head and started kind of spinning all of these feelings of shame and sadness and fear. What if they say no? What if it costs more money for dogs? What if people look at me weird? What if they find out that the reason we have our dog and not our baby is because my body won’t make a baby? How will I feel about that?? Then I started telling myself that I didn’t really need a picture with just Santa and Xion, I already had a family picture. I started to feel like I was asking and wanting too much. Then…right at the height of all this crazy thinking Santa looked over at Xion and asked if he could pet him. Of course I said yes and blurted out ‘Could I get a picture with just Santa and Xion?’ And ya know what? They treated him like he was a kid with Santa. No one cared that he was a dog. All of the crazy thoughts I had were just that, crazy. Now I have my first picture with Xion and Santa!
