The “I’m pissed at my husband” stage
I need to process some feelings. I’m having lots of big feelings today and as of right now I have not been handling them well. Last night and today have been rough. I think part of it is just the build up of exhaustion and the realization that this is a marathon not a sprint. Also playing a role in my current attitude is the lingering knowledge that Drew didn’t really want kids and I’m the one who pushed really hard. That is weighing on me as I’m struggling to do as much as possible to make this “easy” on him while I am simultaneously recovering from major surgery, changing my identity, and being the sole nourishment for a human life. Then I get irritated at myself for thinking that I need to help make this easy on him, like…what? Why? Is this where it all starts? The mom doing like everything unnoticed while the dad gets praised for any little thing he does?
As I’m sitting here writing this, I had a 45ish minute nap this morning after being up with baby pretty much all night. I had a few hours of sleep yesterday late evening before I got up around midnight to take over the night shift from Drew. Needless to say, the lack of sleep is making everything seem that much more overwhelming.
He took an hour and a half shower without talking to me about it first which really pissed me off. Like…I just had the baby all night and I’m tired and hungry and you slept for 8 effing hours (which I can’t do even if I’m not on night shift because I have to feed her) and now you’re gonna take a shower for an hour and a half?? While I was fuming, I one armed (baby in the other arm) went and reheated some thai food only to find out he’d eaten almost all of the peanut sauce that goes with the thai food. Ugh. The rage boiled on.
I’m just tired and feeling like he’s not taking care of me or even thinking about me which hurts. I don’t know how to communicate what I need because partly I don’t know what I need.
I’m feeling overwhelmed.
What do I need? I need to know that Drew is thinking about my needs and trying to meet them as best he can. I need to know that I’m not the only one who is putting in above and beyond effort to adjust to this new season of life.
*edit to add: I let this post sit for a few days. I actually wrote it on 3/3 but decided I needed to let myself decompress a bit before posting. I’m committed to documenting my journey and thus am posting this. Drew and I have since talked a few times about my big feelings. We’ve connected about how I’m part zombie right now and need him to advocate for me a bit more because I can’t really advocate for myself right now. I was a bit unfair to him in this post, but my feelings were valid because they were my feelings.
