First Time Away Overnight
About a week before Ellie was born I got an email from Paul, a race director for Ragnar, asking if I’d like to come SWAT Zion trail in May. My first response was “YES!” and then I thought “huh…I should probably wait till she’s born and see how I feel physically and emotionally.” A few weeks later after Ellie made her entrance Drew and I talked and agreed that it would work for me to be away for a few days. So, last Tuesday morning I left for Ragnar Zion and was gone until Sunday morning. I knew this trip was coming up so I’d been slowly building up my freezer supply of milk since Ellie was born. I left Drew with about 200 ounces of milk. Family played a huge role in my ability to leave. My mom came and stayed Tuesday night and Olga came on Wednesday and left on Sunday.
As the day of departure grew steadily closer I started to get worried about a few things. Would Ellie feel abandoned by me when she didn’t see me for 5 days? Would my leaving impact her emotional health and have significant ramifications later on in her life? It sounds kind of silly to say that out lout but I truly was worried about it. I’ve read just enough about attachment theory to know that breaking that attachment early in life can be really damaging. Another significant concern was that she wouldn’t go back to breastfeeding and would prefer the bottle once I got back. The biggest reason this would be an issue is because when we go to Europe in June it would be so much easier if she would breastfeed. My last big BIG concern was that I was going to die and leave her without a mother. I haven’t really had that concern up till now but something about being away for a few days and then possibly never coming back really shook me up. The thought of her not knowing why her mom never came back for her was quite frightening.
Now that I’m home and everything is fine, I look back and almost feel silly for having those concerns. HOWEVER, I felt so strongly about it I almost didn’t go on my trip. I reached out to other mom friends and asked their advice about my fears and they all unanimously said “that’s all normal, go anyway”. The night before the trip while I was spinning out of control a bit Drew said to me “Well you can just stay at home and never go do anything fun again if you want.” That gave me some perspective!
I’m home now. None of my fears have come true. Ellie is back to breastfeeding like a champ. I didn’t die. I had a fantastic adventure! Here are some pictures
